It was quite cold. And not the freezing kind of cold but the kind where you just shiver slightly. I took the first sip of the rum. It was just like him – bitter and cold. And I still love it the same way that I love him.
I slowly slid my hand under my purse and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. He held my hand and tried to stop me – “not this time”.
I looked at him and noticed him sitting in the left corner of the bed and on the right side of mine.
“One last, please,” I said while trying to let go of my hand from his grip.
I took out a cigarette and lit it with the lighter. I took the first puff; it was a long one. And soon, I was drowning in smoke. I was lost until I heard a cough. I turned around and noticed him coughing from the corner of the bed.
I knew he wasn’t used to the smell and smoke of the cigarette. I knew it would make him uncomfortable. And it happened. But I didn’t resist anyway because it’s been months that I was smoking up.
I looked at the half-finished cigarette and with a heavy heart I put it off. And as the flames of the cigarette died; I died a little with it too.
I insisted that he played some music to lighten up the mood. I started singing the lyrics while making a shot of rum.
And until now I finished 4 shots and I was dizzy. I looked at him. He was still sitting quietly at the corner.
“I love you,” I said this as I burst out into tears. And one by one it covered my whole face. “I have always loved you and I am scared I’ll always do. I don’t feel alive anymore. I am just surviving. I need you more than I need anything else. I can’t bear this any longer”.
I could feel his fingers on my cheeks as he tried to wipe my tears off. I held his hand and kept it firmly on my neck.
I went towards the half-empty bottle of rum but his voice stopped me from behind – “no more, this was the last”. I didn’t have the energy to confront him. He held me by my waist because I could barely walk. He made me sit on the bed and I immediately started crying again. I was scared to look him in the eyes. I have never felt this vulnerable before anyone. This was the first time or maybe the last time.
“Look up towards me,” he said while putting his hand on my chin and lifting it up. I couldn’t see his face properly because tears made my vision blurry. And the next thing that I did was hug him and I cried harder.
He made me lay down on the bed. “You should get some sleep” he insisted while he was trying to leave my hand. But I held it back tighter and I even scratched his skin off while doing it. And the white line soon turned red. And I could see multiple small dots of blood cots on it. “I am sorry” I was halfway through it as he kept his other hand on my lips to shut me up. He laid down beside me and I was still holding his hand so tight.
As I was laying down with him I noticed a few things about me. My body was ice cold and I was trembling. I was restless and I couldn’t breathe properly. And I was literally panting with long and noisy breaths.
He put his hand across my waist. I could feel his hand touching the exposed skin of my belly. He slowly slid his hands inside my tee-shirt. It sent a shiver down my spine. I could feel his cold hands touching my warm body.
He started coming near now. I could feel his breaths engulfing with mine. I could feel his eyes staring at my smudged eyes. I could feel his lips getting dry as he made them wet with his tongue.
As he went inside my tee-shirt, I could feel my heart pumping blood at a double pace. He pulled my face towards him and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes as he came closer and locked his lips with mine. And his lips were warmer and tasted better than those shots of rum.
He pulled me closer. And there was no space for even air to enter between us. And suddenly the cold was all gone. I never felt this warm ever. And my breaths were regaining its normal form. But it wasn’t like usual. And it felt like my whole body was in cooperation with him.
He took off my tee-shirt first and then his. He pulled me on top of him. I could stare directly into his eyes. I could feel his body pressed onto mine. He held my hair and started kissing me again.
In a few moments, I felt his hands on my back. The first top then bottom, left and then right. He touched every inch of it. He came nearly to the centre and unhooked my bra.
He put me on his side and I find him on top of me. I could feel his hands pressed firmly upon my breasts.
He told me to stay calm even though his own breaths were heavy. And I could both feel and hear his heart pounding in his chest.
I touched his face with my fingers as if I was taking his impressions on them. I could feel his beard hair that has just started to grow. It was thick and hard. I rubbed my cheek with his. I moved my fingers around his long flowing hair. I was memorizing every bit of him. I was remembering every tiny detail of him.
He put me on his side again and I could feel his hand going inside my pants as he touched me from above my panty. I was shaking with every touch of his fingers. As he entered my panty, I was going through a million of emotions; all at the same time. I have never experienced this feeling before. I was moaning as he moved his fingers around.
He slid my pants down and pressed against my butts with his hands. And soon he took my pants off and then my panty was down too. I was all naked in front of him and there was this dim light of the room which was making my body glow.
I could see him opening the buckle of his belt. I kept staring at him as if I was waiting for this moment since many births. He opened the button of his pants and unzipped it. I was feeling nervous and excited at the same time. And with every second, my desperateness was touching heights. I could hear the tick-tock sound of the wall clock which was making me realise that my patience has reached a level where it was being tested.
I could feel him going inside me. And suddenly it felt that my incompleteness has been met. I felt as if he was the last piece of my jigsaw puzzle and now it was all fixed. I was melting with every move he was making; from slow to fast. And in that moment I knew he’s mine and I am his. I knew I wasn’t dying anymore. And that there is something that can comfort me more than cigarettes or alcohol.
As he was thrusting, another tear fell from my eye. I don’t know what it was. But I knew that I love this man with all my heart.
He laid beside me. There was a different kind of intimacy this time. He was tired and I could see tiny droplets of sweat falling from his hair. And I realised I was still having tears in my eyes. But I was the happiest in this moment. I felt I was the luckiest. I soon fell asleep into his arms as he pecked another kiss on my forehead.
As the rays of the sunlight peeked through my glass windows and touched my skin in the morning, it broke my sleep. I opened my tired eyes with utmost difficulty. I glanced at the wall clock – it was 10 in the morning. And a thought made me wake up completely. I turned back to see behind me to check if he’s there. I was scared and hoping that I still find him there, sleeping sound and safe beside me. And no one was there.
It’s been six years since he left and never came back. It’s been long since I heard his voice. It’s been some time since I last got a sight of him.
I picked my phone up and opened his contact. I dialed his number after a long stare. But something stopped me again. And I hung up before it could ring.
It was another illusion of mine. And another dream of mine that I was seeing with open eyes. And I realised that it wasn’t loved.
Editor’s Note: This confession was provided us to one from one of our brave heart audiences. We feel privileged to bring out the incidences from the dark corners of one’s life to this platform. We look forward to such more confessions. Kindly step forward and share your story with Upside Me so that it does not go into vain.